Longitude – Not Suitable For Adults?

So, as I’ve gotten older I’ve turned into one of those “get off my lawn” kind of adults. At first I tried to avoid it but then I turned 30 and it just couldn’t be helped. At this point in my life I’ve decided to embrace it. Now, usually I don’t feel that old but I suppose through the eyes of the hundreds of children I was surrounded by on Saturday night, I’m ancient. This leads me to my first question.

When did Longitude become so damn young?

Was it always this way? Don’t get me wrong I am aware kids can get into these events regardless as to whether they’re of legal age. I myself was partial to an oul passback of the fake ID back in the day. However, there’s been a definite shift in the atmosphere of the weekend festival over the last two years and I think it all started with whatever bellend thought it would be a good idea to have the entry age at over 16s instead of over 18s.

Now look, I know I was a teenager once and I swore blind at the time that I’d never turn into one of those know it all grownups who start sentences with “well when I was that age”. However, when you’re outnumbered by a bunch of half-naked adolescents it’s impossible not to let the self-indignant adult in me take over.

These kids are on a different level. Maybe it’s the effect of a post Kardashian era that every teenager feels the need to look like Kylie Jenner. I can tell you with the upmost certainty though that it wasn’t the case when I was a youngster. No, when I was 15 I looked 15 – I was tall, gawky and had very questionable eyebrows. My hair was frizzy as GHD’s weren’t around and my makeup expertise was nil and void to put it mildly (one time I wore eyeshadow to school and a girl asked me If someone had given me a black eye. Not in a mean way but out of genuine concern). Yesterday’s uniform for most teenage girls in attendance consisted of bikini tops and shorts cut up into their arses whereas had I been going to Longitude 15 years ago I’d have thrown on my nicest denim flares, fanciest asics runners and the most colourful top I could find. To add some sexiness to the ensemble I’d have probably rolled up the top so you could see my (pierced) belly. I should probably add a disclaimer for anyone who I went to school with that might be reading this – don’t worry I’m sure you dressed better. I was just exceptionally tasteless.

Back to Saturday though, the festival has probably been getting younger for years. Or more accurately, I’ve been getting older. I’ve always gone in a bigger group then I did this year so I suppose that maybe I’ve just never noticed it until I couldn’t but see it. We were outnumbered. They swarmed the place. I reached breaking point when after queuing about a half an hour for a vodka red bull we went for a bop in the dance area. As I looked around at all the kids lobbing the gob and then some I realized that I was the oldest person in the area and swaying around in the middle of them was not only uncomfortable it was also just downright weird looking.

(I’ll also add that we were skipped in the queue by several teenagers who hopped the railings. Now in fairness I don’t blame them for that, the crowd control at that festival is useless.)

Having checked Facebook today I’m relieved to say that there were people my age there at the weekend. Lots of them in fact. It seems I just couldn’t locate them. They were lost in the sea of teenagers.

This brings me to my next question – surely, we could have an area reserved for grownups? It makes sense, doesn’t it? Hear me out I’m not saying the area has to be sound proofed and come with a blanket and knitting needles but I do think that If the concert is going to be swamped by youngsters falling all over the place then maybe just give us over 28’s a nice little area where we can all group together while tut tutting and clutching our pearls at the youth of today.

Actually give us the Bacardi tent….. and add in a Heineken tap. Then we’ll all be happy.

Or you know, just make it an over 18’s event.

Maybe it’s me. I could be going through my first midlife crisis and having an aversion to my age. I’m not actually that old. I remember when 25 was my scary age. It’s five years later and I’m still doing the same things I did back then. In fairness why should I stop? Nobody is making me. It’s my own insecurities that has me questioning whether I’m too old for it. The truth is it’s probably not even the kids fault, they’re just having fun making the same mistakes I did at their age (albeit dressed better and with nicer makeup). I also would have preferred a Sunday ticket as I prefer Mumford & Sons to The Weeknd and I think Sundays are more chilled out in general.

I will stick to my guns though in that if they’re going to let these kids in then at least ensure they’re not trolleyed to the point that they can’t stand. And for the love of god stop serving them. If we have to share Longitude with them then at least stop giving them every opportunity to wreck our heads.

You could still give us the Bacardi tent though.




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