I am by no means an expert nor would I ever claim to be but if I’ve learned anything in my last year of planning a wedding it’s that going into it I was clueless. A total rookie. Oh, I had great expectations of how the planning process should work. These expectations revolved around myself and the other half doing it all together. A team. United in the joy and love that is planning our future. You can imagine my rude awakening throughout the last 12 – 16 months when I realized that he had other ideas. The first hint of this appeared when it came to picking where our reception would be.
To put it bluntly venue hunting can drive a couple to murder each other. At least it nearly did us. Unless you’re lucky enough to be engaged to Franc the wedding planner (father of the bride reference for any youngsters out there) men will not enjoy this aspect of the wedding. They’ll want to leave it up to you. Actually the other half leaving it up to you will become a theme throughout your wedding process. You’ll grow to realize that one of most frustrating things on earth is when it becomes apparent that he just doesn’t care about the same wedding related details that you can’t stop thinking about.
The unfortunate reality is that even if you’re the dream couple you will still disagree when it comes to planning together. You’ll each care about different details of the wedding and often these details will clash. Our first
row learning experience with this occurred a few weeks in as we tried to get to grips with how best to choose a venue.
Now, I was no innocent party in this ordeal but one thing I did pick up on during it is that men do not like to research things. If it’s crunch time and they need to decide about something then yes lay out all the information complete with a SWOT analysis so that they can make a call but for the love of god please do not ask that they assist you in the information gathering. I’m being sarky now but what I’m trying to say is that when it comes down to it, the details and indecisiveness around venue hunting is stressful enough for the bride without throwing an overwhelmed groom into the mix.
I learned this the hard way when over the course of a month I lugged my other half to Carlow, Laois and Galway. We don’t have family or any sort of affiliation to these places by the way I just had notions that for our wedding I wanted to make a weekend of it. Exasperated, he delivered me an ultimatum, I either make the madness stop and just pick somewhere or, if this was going to continue I’d have to leave him out of it. I was devastated of course and couldn’t understand why he didn’t enjoy giving up his weekends (I made us stay overnight by the way – wedding budget who?) to travel all around Ireland visiting hotels with me that were mediocre at best. His reluctance led to numerous rows starring me as the hysterical bride proclaiming that I wanted him to be more involved (heh) while he, the terrified groom gently explained that he really, really didn’t want to be.
The problem was that I was taking this personally when really I shouldn’t.
It was only when I chatted to a friend in work who was also engaged that I got some clarification on how the wedding game can work for couples. She’d been engaged over a year, had put in her time planning and now her wedding was a mere few months away. To me she was the Yoda to my Skywalker. She explained that I was best to leave him at home and enjoy the venue hunting with my mam, sister, friend (basically anyone who wanted to be there). I could then report back to him only if it was a potential venue. He didn’t need to hear about it otherwise. Once I started to apply this method I found that we were both happier. My mother was much better company. We had great fun going to all the different places and exploiting them for as many free lunches as possible. (I lie – this almost never happens. It’s next to impossible to get an actual free lunch in my wedding planning experience. I’m convinced that the people who claim they’ve gotten one are liars. I got one glass of Champagne in Galway and I’d say had we not bailed straight after downing it we would have been charged). I was with my mam the day I found my wedding venue. A day later I brought himself back to view it. He loved it as much as I did and we booked it there and then. The end. No drama, tears or rows.
I suppose my point is that in the grand scheme of organization – couples don’t have to do this together nor are they expected to. As exciting as planning a life is don’t be disappointed if your other half doesn’t want to be involved in every aspect. You can bring other people into the circle. I’d be willing to bet a fair few that a newly engaged couple aren’t always the best combination in these situations anyway as both are clueless especially at the beginning. Having someone with you that’s relatively impartial can give you a better overview and feedback of a venue.
As the planning progresses he’ll probably surprise you by showing interest in stuff you never in a million years thought he’d enjoy. You never know he might end up better then you are at it.
Probably not though 😊
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